Sleepless Nights in a War Zone?
Posted by Faith, 10 April 2008
When you look in the money mirror, what do you see - one whole person or just parts of the whole? Do you see the part that is worried about paying off the mortgage, the one which feels that working harder or longer hours is the right thing to do? Or, do you see a person dying to be free or to take off to exotic destinations? Perhaps instead, there is the face of a mother or father staring back, who longs to have more time with their children, or to have a chance to sit and simply read a good book. You may be some or all of these parts and find that they don’t all see eye-to-eye.
It is natural for these parts to occasionally be in conflict and to pull you in different directions. As a financial tactician, I see this in many clients. People come in wanting to create wealth, the definition of which is different for all and an entire topic for another time. To some, more wealth equals more money, which translates into a job or career, working harder, longer hours and earning a higher income. However, there is often another part to their personality that wants to focus in another direction. Usually this part represents a different sort of wealth - the heart’s true calling. This may be family, a business venture, volunteer work or a hobby. This other part holds a key to what is important in life. A job may have some elements of passion in it, but loyalties are often divided. So, how do we resolve these conflicts and why do we need to deal with them at all?
The “why” is quite simple, yet vital to answer. Personal goals can be hard to achieve even with everything going well in life. Add a few barriers and a warring personality, and they can become almost impossible.
Scott, a new client of mine, was experiencing just this problem. After a number of sleepless nights he came to me for help.
Scott was a 22-year-old single guy, fresh out of university, with the world at his feet. His dilemma - should he travel straight away, like all his friends were doing, or should he begin his career?
When growing up, Scott had travelled a lot with his family. They had been to Australia and Rarotonga together and had spent the school holidays visiting all over New Zealand. He could probably drive to Invercargill and back in his sleep. But, he had never slept under the stars in ancient Greece, or another exotic location. He had learned all about the “big wide world”, at school and university and he wanted to see it up-close-and-personal.
Scott, the travel guy, was now in a mental and emotional struggle with Scott, the career man. From a very early age, he wanted to follow in his mother and father’s footsteps, to start on the corporate ladder and make his mark in business. He was entrepreneurial and motivated and wanted to get into the “real world” as soon as possible. He was goal orientated, liked money in his bank account and had had many job offers, which would enable him to earn above average wages for his age and experience. But, he also wanted to travel overseas.
What was Scott to do?
I started by asking him four key questions, which I had found very powerful in helping my other clients through their conflicts in life. These may initially sound like mental gymnastics but, when the client is true to his or herself with the answers, then the questions make a lot of sense. I felt Scott would respond well to this approach, as it would help him to clarify his direction.
The four questions are:
- If I make this choice, what will it do for me?
- If I make this choice, what won’t it do for me?
- If I don’t make this choice, what will it do for me?
- If I don’t make this choice, what won’t it do for me?
I asked Scott these questions one-by-one and gave him time to respond to each. I also asked him to move to a different space in the room, when I spoke to a different part of his personality. If I addressed him as the traveller, he was in one corner of the room. Then, when I spoke to a different part of him, he moved to a new corner.
“Scott, if you travel now, what will this do for you?”
“It will give me valuable experiences and it may make me more marketable to an employer when I get back. It would be fun to do and would give me some time out to decide if I am on the right path and to learn life skills.”
“If you travel now, what won’t it do for you?”
“It won’t allow me to start on my career and into the work I have wanted to do for over five years. It won’t allow me to save money for a house, which is one of my key goals. I won’t have a job to come back to when I return and that makes me feel uncomfortable.”
“Scott, if you don’t travel now what will that do for you?”
“It will allow me to get into a job I have wanted to do for years and on the path I have been dreaming about. It will pay me a good salary; it will clear my student loan and then help me start saving for the future. It will allow me to get a house and some freedom. It will mean I have security and more choice to travel later, as I want to.”
“Scott, If you don’t travel now, what won’t that do for you?”
“If I don’t travel now I may never have the same opportunity again. My friends would have all done this and will come back ready to settle down into jobs. I will never have the same freedom as I have right now.”
Scott did an excellent job with these questions. He knew instinctively what the answers were and it was clear he had been considering his options for a long time. Other clients sometimes need time to go home to think things over but, with perseverance, these questions will help almost anyone find a way through their conflicts.
I could see there were a few key issues here to deal with. Scott wanted to make sure he was moving towards his goals, one being a successful career. He wanted to be financially free and hated the thought of having an empty bank account and a big student debt. It was also important for him to enjoy his life, feel free and have some fun, but not at the expense of everything else.
There were two more questions I wanted to ask, which would further define his boundaries. These would find out what each part of him would and wouldn’t accept and whether there were lines he was prepared to cross, or not. This would help Scott discover his true direction.
“Scott, as the career guy, what will you accept?”
“I can accept that I have to start near the bottom and work my way to the top. I accept that I will not get a huge salary but it will more than many receive. With hard work over time, I will earn an ever better income.”
“Scott, as the career guy, what won’t you accept?”
“I can’t accept going nowhere for too long. I have difficulty accepting failure with my goals and I cannot handle the thought of a huge debt. I like to see my bank accounts increase, as this gives me freedom to choose how I live my life.”
“Scott as the travel guy, what will you accept?”
“I accept that I can’t travel all the time and that all travel costs money. I accept that I may have to limit where I go and I may not be able to leave home straight away. Because I am conscious of my financial wellbeing I accept that I may have to work while overseas. If I did, I would be happy to send money back to reduce my student loan.”
“Scott as the travel guy, what won’t you accept?”
“I won’t accept putting off travel indefinitely and I don’t want to live in squalor when I am overseas. I want to do it with some style and as much freedom as possible. I don’t want to worry about money, I want to have fun and always have enough to get back home or get out of trouble.”
I could see that Scott now had two main options. I didn’t want to spell them out, as I feel it is better for the client to come to their own conclusions in their own time. I could also see that Scott was cautious in his decision-making, and so I wanted him to state a preference in the first instance, rather than procrastinate by trying to choose between two options.
“That’s good, Scott. Now you have gone through this process, what do you see is the best choice for you?”
“I have been thinking, while answering these questions, that one of the jobs I have been offered includes a secondment overseas from time to time. I could make some enquires to see just where this is, when I can do it and what it entails.”
“Excellent. It may mean, though, that you have to put in some hard yards for a couple of years, before you can take up these opportunities. Are you prepared for that?”
“Yes, Faith, I am, but no longer than two years. I will see what they say.”
I waited, hoping he might switch his thoughts to another option, which would still give him what he wanted. I decided to nudge him a little to test his choice.
“Do you feel there is another choice, as well?”
“Yes and no. I am not certain if it is a real option.”
“What is it?”
“A working holiday, but I am not sure where to start.”
Scott was more conservative than I thought. Maybe more detail, call it “spelling it out” if you wish, could help provide the certainty he craved.
I launched into a detailed summary. “You can always start your career here, while researching the choices for a working holiday. That way you get some work experience and in your chosen field. You can put a deadline on how long you spend on considering these choices and save money while working them out. Maybe give it six months to a year? At the end of that time, you could choose to stay in New Zealand, leave on a working holiday, or even just go off travelling for fun.”
I paused to check his response. Scott was listening carefully while nodding his head.
I continued, “If purely for fun, then you could treat the trip as a short-to-medium break, and a celebration on having made a successful start on your career. As long as you save more than you need before you leave, you will come home with money in the bank which will give you breathing space to find a job and settle back in.”
He nodded some more.
Again, I continued, “Alternatively, your trip could be for much longer, but as a working holiday. You could arrange the overseas job before you leave home and set goals to see the world as funds and holidays from this job allow. You would have fun travelling in this way, but you could also send funds back home to pay off your student loan and save for a house.”
There was more nodding, but no other response. Scott was quite a thinker. But, I couldn’t go on doing all the talking. I asked, “What do you think of all that?”
There was a long pause and then he said, “If I ask my personality parts, the wild travel side wants to have fun for a year, because I am tired and need a good break. However, my career, goal orientated side is speaking much more loudly now. It can accept the travel and work option, but the secondment one sits much more comfortably with me for now.”
It was my turn to nod and stay silent.
Scott thought for a bit longer followed by a huge contented sigh. I knew he had made up his mind. He gave me a big grin and said, “I will investigate the secondment option. If that doesn’t happen, then I will switch to Plan B - work for a year or so here and then line up something career related overseas. I will need to do my homework on costs and start saving, regardless of which way I go. Can you help me with this Faith?”
“Yes, but I have only one proviso.”
“What is that Faith?”
“You remember to send me a postcard from one of the wonderful exotic locations you visit.”
This time his response was swift, “You bet.”
---ends---
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See previous blogs:
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The seven secret thieves
Five questions to change your life
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Switching lives - what would you choose?
Who can I trust to help grow my money?
How to swim in a sea of money
Life can be unfair
The rule of happiness
No way to live
Anyone can be good with money
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Who wants to be a millionaire?
The secret of wealth
Keeping your money safe
Having it all
Win an all-expenses-paid trip for two to Europe (Part 3)
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Win an all-expenses-paid trip for two to Europe (Part 1)
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A recipe for a happy Christmas
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Rage, rage against the dying of the light
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Buying or Selling a House – Those that care least, usually succeed
When is a good time to buy a house?
Sleepless Nights in a War Zone
Transitions - more life or more of the “same old, same old” boring stuff?